I Bumped Into My Crazy Ex!

I saw my ex yesterday!

Which one?

The one with the kid.

Oh Yvonne!

Remember how nuts the chick was?

Yes I do!

I was glad when it was all over!

Who dumped who?

Who cares? I saw her at the mall.

So you said.

She was with that guy from the gym.

You mean Fred?

Yes him.  I think they are dating.

And so?

Nothing.  Just saying man.

Ok bro.

So you saw her at the mall,

you said hi?

Well yes, but she said, “Eff Off!

and go die!”

But yeah, I saw her yesterday at the mall.

Ok.

And I never ever want her back.

So you say.

Dear John

Well Dear John, you are such an ass!
A break up letter?  Have some class!
I know it’s all about that fight.
Yes the one we had the other night.
Even for you John, this is low!
But I’m sure you already know.

I opened up my heart to you,
My family even loved you too.
In love I learned you never quit
So this hurts a lot, I must admit.
But you are right, I’ll find someone
I hope he’s nothing like you, John!

Your diamond ring and PS3
Means more to you than they do to me.
My dad will drop them at your place
For I can’t stand to see your face.
You have caused me so much pain.
My hopes, my dreams,  all in vain.

John, right now I’m as mad as hell!
I sure hope that you can tell.
You are one selfish heartless prick!
Who thinks only with his dick!
I hope that you will find someone
Who hurt you like you hurt me, John.

Don’t reply, leave me alone.
Lose the numbers of my phones.
And maybe even better yet,
let’s pretend we’ve never met.
You are a joke, John! A joke I say!
Goodbye jerk! Have a nice day!

 

Response to A Dear Jane Letter.  Written by The Author.  May 10 2013

 

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Angel In The Doorway

There she stood

Silhouetted by the sunlight.

Her wedding dress

Angel wings

Around her.

She remains still

Like a photo

Framed by the doorway.

And I gazed

Upon her visage

And wondered,

“Is this my Angel?”

 

Then she took flight.

Slowly approaching me

As I anxiously waited

For her to meet me

At the pulpit.

Her slow and measured

Steps made me breathless

With expectation.

“Faster!  Come faster!”

Still she floats slowly to me.

 

After what seemed like an

Eternity

She was at my side

Looking at me

While I beamed at her.

I was oblivious to my

Environment.

Just me and my angel.

Yes,

The Angel In

The Doorway

 

Do I Look Fat In These Jeans?

th (1)Do I look fat in these jeans?
Be careful answering, dear.
Remember what the shrink said?
Reply with care.

You look fine in your damn jeans!
Now stop it already!
What that stupid shrink said
Means not a thing to me.

But baby, I want to know
If I still look hot,
I gained a little bit of weight
And think I have a pot.

 

Can you please just shut up!
I can barely think.
You are so damn annoying,
You make me want to drink!
Do you look fat in your jeans?
No, not a fat chance,
You looked fat even before,
you put on those pants.

No you didn’t go there!
Like someone needs a fight.
I am not too shy
To whup your ass tonight!
You have the nerve to call me fat?
You dirty low-life  snake!
You know I married your sorry ass
For your mommy’s sake?

Screw you! I am outta here!
I can’t live with a witch!
I hate to say this, but you are
Nothing but a bitch!

 

Honey baby please don’t leave,
I promise not to nag.
It’s just that I get like this
When I’m on my rag.
Are you really leaving me?
If so please let me know.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THESE JEANS?
Just answer yes or no.

 

 

(Door slams)