What’s In A Rhyme?

I over analyze nursery rhymes

like a detective at the scene of crimes

I sometimes wonder why Jack and Jill

Really went up that grassy hill

I hope it wasn’t against her will

And trust that she was on the pill.

*

Humpty Dumpty climbed up a wall

He asked for it, I meant the fall.

He got scrambled and that’s no joke

But was he organic? Did he have a yoke?

*

Why didn’t  Old Mother Hubbard

Keep an inventory of her cupboard?

Then the crazy old bag would have known

That inside it she would find no bone

No reason to look, Mother Hubbard Dear,

Your F***ing cupboard is really bare!

*

Now who rocks a baby in a tree top?

If you do, then you should stop

You know what else I really think?

Maybe it’s time you see a shrink.

*

The gossipy old woman who swallowed a fly

Should have kept her mouth shut and she wouldn’t have died.

She had a big mouth, what else can I say?

I cannot put it any other way.

*

I also feel bad for little Jack Horner

Spending Christmas alone in a corner

He told himself he was a good boy

Then why a pie and not a toy?

*

What the hell is a hickory dock?

And what does is have to do with a clock?

Ok, ok, I’m really done,

Analyzing rhymes is not much fun.

***

Written by the writer April 15th 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Cannibal Brothers From Pakistan

There were two brothers

from Pakistan

Of human flesh they were

Big Fans.

With blood on their beards

These brothers looked weird

As they tear at flesh with their hands.

 

The brothers were never

In a hurry.

Even taking time

To add curry

People feared the worst

When they found missing corpse

And that’s when they started to worry.

 

Now they are both locked up

In jail

With no chance of posting

A bail.

With no bodies to eat

And no more dead meat

They sit and chew on their nails.

 

True story.  Read it here

I’m Going To Write A Book

I’m going to write a book.

A book?

Yes  a book.

A book about me.

About you?

Yes me.

It would sell in stores

Like Amazon

By the scores!

Yes, I should write a book

A recipe book?

No not that!

I can’t cook.

Then what?

About me!

Not about

A recipe!

I’m an author!

You Arthur?

No! An author!

Like a book writer!

Oh, I get it!

You are going to write

A book!

About you

And you can’t cook!

 

Ah! Finally!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Think I Peed My Bed

I peed my bed last night.

I’m an adult, what the heck!

I awoke just before dawn

and my shorts were soaking wet!

 

How could this have happened?

Am I getting sick?

If it’s a sign of cancer

I should see my doctor quick!

 

I didn’t drink before bed

No coffee neither tea

So I have no explanation

For this unexplained pee.

 

But wait, what’s this?

Oh what a terrible sin!

This is something far worse

Than mere nocturnal urine!

 

I must apologize to you

Really thought I peed my bed

But lo and behold dear reader

It was something else instead!

 

Things sometimes are not

Really what they seem

I thought that I had peed my bed

But it was just a dumb wet dream!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Tonight Dear

Should we have sex, hon?
said Gilles one night.
No we shouldn’t, said Rose
At least not tonight.
I feel ugly and fat
Maybe I am too old
I feel all stuffed up
I think it’s the cold.

Poor Gilles turned over
and he tried to sleep
while beside him his wife
Pretended to weep
It’s not you it’s me
She said with a sob
I have turned into
An unsexy blob.

But Gilles wouldn’t buy it
He loved Rose madly
It’s quite ok, honey
He said to her sadly.
You are fine in my eyes
I’ll always want you
You are, how they say it?
My honey boo boo.

He looked at his wife
Who was crying a puddle
And said Honey dear
It’s fine let’s just cuddle
And that’s what they did
Guess what happened next.
They both fell asleep
No they didn’t have sex.

A Dear Jane Letter

Dear Jane, I think you must know
that I’ve decided to let you go.
And no, it’s not about last night.
It’s not because we had a fight.
I love you and for love’s sake,
I’ve decided we need a break.

When I come to get my things,
You could keep the diamond ring.
But I want my PS3
That my mommy bought for me.
And if you want my Bulls Jacket
It’s ok, you can have it.

I know you planned a future with me,
with kids, a house and family.
You are young and beautiful, that’s true
And will find someone that’s right for you.
It would be best if you don’t reply.
Jane, I’m sorry.    And goodbye

 

Written by The Author.  May 10. 2013.

Related:

Dear John

Hillbilly Love

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“I love you so much.”  Said his wife.
“I’m glad that You are in my life.
I’ll give you anything,
Even treat you like a king
And then she pulled out a knife”.

“I love you very much too, hon,
Without you life just won’t be fun.
In the entire world
There’s no better girl.”
And that’s when he pulled out his gun.

“It’s the same two”. said the cops when they came
“They were going at it once again.
We should throw them in jail
Without any bail
Damn hillbillies! They have no shame!”

The wife kissed her man on the mouth
He said, “Now that’s what I’m talkin bout!
I’ll meet you in bed
And please don’t play dead.
One sec while I let the pig out.”

The Author. March 22, 2013